Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.