Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
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Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.