Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.