Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*