“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
linkedin the good parts
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
それは草
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.