“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*