Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them