Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Yep.

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition