Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs