Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

Hey I worked for it too!

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for