Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Festive toon…