Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
absolute chaos
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?