Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“No way.” -Jose
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.