Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

scenes of unspeakable carnage

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving