Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
sign of the times 🖊
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.