Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Where’s my employee discount too?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to