Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
We’ve come full circle
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
A great first step 😂
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight