Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
You Might Also Like
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”