Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
You Might Also Like
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.