Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.