Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

rise and shine we got egg

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?