Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.