Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

How long do you have to wait between naps?

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.