Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

look at me when i’m typing to you

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that