Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
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True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.