Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*![]()
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*lint rolls you awake*
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults