Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket