Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Succinctly put.
