Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
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The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Yeah. This was me today.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
What kind of a cult is this?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
