Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
👍
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
When someone trying to leave me
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing