Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
