Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Ghost costume 😂
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
