Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
