Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

Miscakes

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*