Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Simple enough.

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.