Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.