Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most