Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar