Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

A dad and his duck

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it