Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

went fishing caught a bass

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying