Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

what the hell pray for carter everyone

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.