*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
🔦🌙👣
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.