*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
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Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Can’t, holding a grudge
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Every. Damn. Time.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is