*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
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So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?