[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”