Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Oops I deleted….

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Try and stop me.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.