[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
yes… yes…
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.