[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Today’s tshirt
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Current mood: Potato
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”