Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

They got Raph!

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.