*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.