*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.