*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
A sick whale is called an unwhale
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
a god among men
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Pikachu found the lost joint
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…