*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib