*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
☺️
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.