*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My beach vacation Google searches
The only equipped I am is ill.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious