Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!