Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.