Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

selena gomez

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”