*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
#damn
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
felt cute might bury dad later idk