[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
If I ignore life will it go away?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Breaking news:
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.