Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

There are usually two types of merchants.

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy