*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

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[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]


Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.


Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.


I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”


Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:


Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.


Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…


There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.


MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels