5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer