@beefman138

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

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@BoomBoomBetty

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

@shadygeekdad

Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.

@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

@CulturedRuffian

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

@Not_a_JesusGirl

There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.

@AndrewChamings

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels