*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
You Might Also Like
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES