Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

As per my last nervous breakdown

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

What personal space?

My dog

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.