Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

Just grow your own

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.