Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job