*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I can’t stop watching this.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
This cat wants you to take your pills
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend