tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Ape together strong
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
the three branches of government
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*