I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*