*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies