*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!