*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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What fresh Hell is this?!?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
my fav colour is also hitler
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.