Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Bruh 😂

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach