Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.