[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
twitter is a journey
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.