Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

i was dropped as an adult

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.